This post is just a quick technique to manage relationships and create better emotional frames of reference to ensure important messages land more effectively.
Here is an example scenario…..
- You brief out a new process at work to your team
- You have taken time and effort to ensure the communication was clear
- You find out after a few days a member of your team Dick has not followed the process
- You are a tad pissed off as you are under increased management scrutiny to deliver
The emotional response is to speak to Dick and tell him it is not acceptable and cite a range of consequences within your gift including being burned at the stake. After all other team members have managed to do the task. Why cant Dick just perform?
My experience suggests that if you use this as a default approach Dick tends to visualize taking off his Dick name badge and placing it firmly around your neck. You are his line manager so you are now Dick Snr.
This is where this approach comes in. Might initially sound counter intuitive but hear Silly out before you judge me like Judy.
The approach is harness your inner Bieber and say Sorry!
Here is how you saying Sorry actually strengthens your long term relationship…
- You might not have explained it well enough for Dick
- Dick might have a problem he didn’t raise at first
- Putting Dick under pressure is never the best course of action. Dick needs to stand tall and proud
Here is the killer bit though….. from experience if you say sorry people tend to interpret you based on a scale between these 2 characters below…..
If Dick sees you as Walter the Softy he is likely to continue to take the piss thinking he can get away with not complying going forward.
If Dick sees you as Captain Fair Play he appreciates your approach has been reasonable and will modify his behaviour going forward. You are a super hero. Great result and the relationship stays on track. No further remedial action required.
So what is the next step if the Dick sees you as Walter the Softy……
This is actually also a great position to be in. If Dick has a frame of reference that you are weak or soft, when you gear change the conversation at the next relevant interaction, it will be significantly more impactful. An example relevant to Dickgate
‘Dick I am really struggling now and to be honest becoming frustrated. I have clarified what needs to be done twice now and even apologised. In spite of that you are still not doing what was asked. Are you deliberately not complying and not bothered?’
In essence, you use your reference of support, clarification and the sorry combined with a power statement to let Dick know this needs immediate improvement. Weren’t expecting that were you Dick!
As with everything, I am not saying this will always work but it’s another tool in the toolbox to experiment with. The aim of the technique not to embarrass or shame Dick but to put him into complexity. The relationship also becomes much more clearer…
And after all if you act like a Dick you probably deserve it
