I proper love knocking about with my 12 year old niece Lucie.
Everyone says we were wired up by the same part-qualified electrician and she is always receptive to learning new tricks to communicate better.
A couple of years ago on a weekend stop-over she regaled a story that another girl in her class was being nasty to her calling her names. I decided to introduce her to the very simple ‘Thanks for your feedback‘ technique.
In essence, it is about understanding that statements do not require a mandatory response of a justification or apology.
Here are some examples of statements you might get at work….
- Statement – Your performance is unacceptable!
- Statement – You always seem to rub people up the wrong way!
We often feel compelled when we hear statements like these to jump into Justification Tourette Syndrome. We move at speed to try and convince the statement perpetrator they have got it wrong or apologise and promise immediate improvement.
This reaction predominantly gives the other person control of the situation and is very parent / child in communication style. The TFYF technique is therefore to respond to a statement simply with….
‘Thanks for your feedback.’
You may even add a question to clarify if the person has thought the statement through or just had a brain fart. Maybe something like this…..
Are there some specifics you can give me to help me understand your position?‘
Our Lucie is bright as a button so we had some fun where I threw increasingly brutal insults at her to which she just replied TFYF…Specifics please..
Repetition – Repetition – Repetition. Job done. Top Uncle work
Three days later I got a call from my sister in law, Lucie’s Mam. She told me that she had been summoned to the school because of Lucie’s behaviour.
WTF had she done now?
Lucie’s teacher Miss Dakin (yes I know you couldn’t make it up) had said….
‘Lucie you are being far too silly and need to settle down!’
The moment had arrived. The dream statement had been made. Lucie decided to exert her new uncle inspired super power and replied…..
Thanks for your feedback miss, can you provide me with some specifics please?’
The rest is history!
Lucie’s Mam arrives at school and was shown to the Headteachers office. The specifics of what followed next are no longer talked about within our small close knit family.
A toxic cocktail of tears, regrets and promises from Lucie and Miss Dakin was back in pole position. Normal service resumed.
Most importantly, my VIP Uncle status was in tatters. Time to reflect….
Upon reflection (1) What had Lucie actually done wrong? (2) Why did Miss Dakin respond the way she did?
- Lucie hadn’t technically done anything wrong. Feedback is a gift and she actually asked for specifics to try and understand Miss Dakin’s positon with a view to improve the relationship going forward
- I can’t speak 100% for Miss Dakin but my view is that she possibly reacted emotionally to the fact Lucie’s response was not the normal stock one. It is usually ‘Sorry Miss’.
- In addition, because of the power dynamic of the parent / child relationship, Lucie’s decidedly adult response was viewed as inappropriate for the classroom environment.
1. This technique is not about responding every time someone makes a comment with a stock answer of TFYF. It is about adding a tool to your toolkit to use when you feel appropriate.
2. Assess the agenda of the person giving the feedback. Tailor your response to whether you view their agenda as supportive or controlling.
3. Think about your default response to statements and feedback. Is it generally Parent, Adult or Child? How does this dictate your relationship with others.
4. Understand your audience. Assess the impact of your response on the recipient. For example you may decide to adopt the child role if you have been caught doing 100mph on the M1.
Here is simple model covering transactional analysis to build on the above post.
In simple terms, it looks at the three basic mindsets you can enter into any interaction with someone – Parent, Adult, Child..
In essence to have productive sustainable long term relationships with others, we should always look to enter an interaction with I’m OK, You’re OK! - If you view yourself as NOT OK you would probably adopt a Child persona
- If you view the other person as NOT OK you would probably adopt a Parent persona
- If you view yourself and the other person as OK you would probably adopt the Adult persona
Use this model when you next have a potential challenging interaction and ensure you approach it from an adult perspective. It will pay dividends long term.
